Saturday, January 31, 2015


     My Life and Welcome to It.
     The wife comes to me while I am at my computer, and she is toting a laundry basket. Without fanfare or preamble, she says to me, "I only found one pair of your underwear. How many days have you been wearing the same underwear? Take 'em off right now, and let me wash 'em."
     I continue typing and say, "I'm not wearing any underwear."
     And that's when she gave me THE LOOK.

You uncivilized bastard.


     The wife comes home with two baguettes from one of the local French bakeries.
     I groan. "You know the last one went stale." I pull down a jar from the cabinet. "Here are the bread crumbs I made from it. What are we gonna do with two baguettes?"
     "No problem," she says. "I'm going to make a sandwich."
     She starts puttering around the kitchen. I have learned that when she putters like this, it is better for our marriage and my health for me to be somewhere else.
     I go back to typing. Half an hour later, she walks in all smiles, bearing a sandwich. A sandwich she made using the whole baguette. A sandwich that reaches from my elbow to the tips of my outstretched fingers. A cubit-long sandwich.

The sandwich looked like this, only longer.

     "Lunch," she says.
     I look at the 'sandwich' she brought me stretched diagonally across a cutting board and say, "That's too long, don't you think?"
     "No problem," she says. "I like it long."
     I look up. "We're still talking about sandwiches, right?"

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